Commitment-Phobic or Just Really Picky?15 Sep 2017

Are you always single or constantly ending relationships? Do friends and family tell you the reason you struggle to find a steady relationship is because you are too picky? Do you wonder why all of your friends have coupled off but you’re still partner-less? There are lots of answers to these questions, but it could be because you are either commitment phobic or overly selective. Which type are you? Continue reading to find out.

First, consider how you met this person. It’s likely that you’ll meet like-minded singles on dating apps that disguise themselves as dating sites, but are actually pick-up sites. This is a good place for the commitment-phobe to meet others looking for a causal relationship. Online dating sites allow their users to select their goals in dating/future relationship, so you have the ability to be really picky (tick all the boxes you like!) and still meet those who share the goal of long term partnership. Think of what you’re drawn to naturally when it comes to meeting new people.

Why have your last relationships ended? If you’re commitment-phobic, it’s likely that your relationships ended because someone seemed to catch your attention a little more than your current partner (when sometimes, deep down, you knew that’s actually not the case, but you convinced yourself as such). If you’re being selective, you enter relationships lightly. You don’t let the relationship get too deep or get too intertwined with your partner, because you want to assess whether he/she is a fit for you, and don’t make that decision with haste.

Commitment phobes sometimes look for a reason of why the person they’re dating is not a fit for them – often times this is to hide the notion that they are not looking for a committed relationship when their friends (or society) is telling them it’s time to settle down. They are passionate people and can genuinely care about their partners deeply, but often have a hard time describing their “type.” They’re open to meeting lots of different types of people, and don’t necessarily have an “ideal” of what a future relationship looks like to them. They may not truly have a “phobia” to a long term relationship; they are just comfortable in the dating space. Make sure your partner knows your intentions when dating you, and you won’t encounter issues when you move on to someone else.

To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with being commitment phobic. You love meeting new people, others are drawn to your energy, and you could potentially be prioritizing other aspects of your life over a relationship, and we don’t think this characteristic is a negative one. Dating is all about timing and relationships bloom when you’re ready to welcome them and be proactive about it.

Being partner less because of holding extremely high standards for your partner can be both beneficial and detrimental to finding a relationship. Those who have had multiple long term relationships are likely to want to use their reflection in what worked for them (and didn’t) in their future search. However, there’s a fine line. Holding standards like a strict height range, hair color, profession are things that should be left in the “ideal” category, and left off your wish list for the future. Those who are more selective are obviously less likely to meet someone at a coffee shop or in a meet up group, but will be more successful using online searches or a matchmaker that will help you cater your search to your specific needs.

Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with embracing either one of these characteristics. A commitment-phobe just enjoys dating, meeting new people, thrives on being social, or potentially likes the idea of being in a non-monogamous relationship. Being more selective than your peers can work for you – if you’re comfortable with dating less. As mature adults, being picky in who you date can be beneficial because you’ll spend less time on first dates with those that don’t have potential. However, if you’re serious in finding a lasting partnership, you may want to make sure that you keep your options open on how you meet the mate of your dreams. You might need to be more proactive than your less picky friends.

Regardless which category you fit into here, if any, be clear in the reasons why you’re single. Know your intentions when you’re dating and be sure to set the expectations correctly when you meet someone new.

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